This is a selfish post. It’s about me. If you have traipsed in here hoping to find yourself, then maybe you will, in my idiosyncrasies. Or maybe you’ll scoff at my foolish words. Maybe. One of my favourite words. Regardless, this is a beautiful selfish post, if I say so myself.
I have been practising the art of letting go. “The art of losing isn’t hard to master,” I’m told. Not quite the same thing, yet not quite dissimilar. So, I went ahead and lost toxicity. I walked away from ugly relationships that couldn’t be mended. I walked away from unhappy places, from candles that would no longer burn. Things we do to preserve our (in)sanity…
In the process, I realised I had unknowingly, subconsciously foregone my compulsion. I, the list-maker, had not drawn up a satisfactory list in a long while. I, the aspiring writer, had not written as if my life depended on that pen scratching across the paper while I secretly admired my eccentric handwriting. I, the compulsive reader, had not read for pleasure, and was irrationally lashing out in angst at the fictional characters who felt more miserable than me.
My universe has become colourless.
I need the fireworks back.
Being compulsive makes my madness feel explosive, it makes me feel alive and out of breath. It makes me a knower of things. It makes me roll around in the sand and splash in the water.
Today, I choose to go back to who I was.
I choose to love trees with wide-eyed wonder,
To read with happy thoughts,
I choose to discover something new,
To never let go of the madness that drives me.
September 27, 2016 at 10:57 am
What a great post!! for ages i have had in my drafts a blog entitled ‘moving on and letting go’ because that is the hardest part. So hard i haven’t managed to write anything meaningful yet. You have though and i really enjoyed it.
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September 27, 2016 at 11:09 am
Thank you. I feel inspired after ages 🙂
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September 27, 2016 at 1:30 pm
I feel sorry for you… because you cannot see your own beauty as we do! We, your readers, were blissfully unaware of your inner turmoils (and we’re sorry for not noticing). We not only sanction this lighting up of fireworks but we pledge to send you boxes and boxes of them!
The truth is, your very existence – your slightly delirious smile and your sparkling eyes – combined with this admirable writing talent of yours compels us all to believe in an intelligent creator. She was perhaps at that time inspired, and decided to use Her very best handwriting on a clean sheet of paper.
“Yuthika”, she wrote on the first line. The letters turned out to be perfect.
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September 27, 2016 at 2:09 pm
This is very touching, thank you 🙂 especially for reminding me to keep looking for beauty.
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September 27, 2016 at 10:19 pm
I know you said the post was selfish, but it hit me hard and I found myself deep in self-introspection and I am kind of envious that you seem to have figured this complex art of letting go and living in the moment.
To lose yourself when part of yourself has gone through this torturous process of detox is understandable, and to get back on your feet with gusto demonstrates strength, Yu.
Very moving thoughts, with a hint of melancholy but still echoing hope 🙂
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September 28, 2016 at 6:39 pm
Cheers Rudhir, glad it had an impact on you 🙂 and thank you for these beautiful words. The process is ongoing, I must say. But it’s an important step in protecting oneself.
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September 30, 2016 at 12:37 am
Wonderful post. So full of energy and drive. Letting go of crap and just being yourself is a major key to happiness. Not terribly poetic, but it’s worked for me 🙂
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October 11, 2016 at 1:18 pm
Madness is so comforting.
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