To that seventeen year old girl,

Newsflash – fifteen (thirteen? umpteen?) years later, you will see the world differently.

Wait, how are you doing? I know you feel like no one has asked in a long time. I cannot tell you if they did, because most likely, we were not listening.

Right now, that is less important – there are other things I would like you to listen to, no matter how reluctantly. We know how stubborn you can be, so just take this as an excerpt you would read, an audiobook you would listen to, and not unsolicited advice, because trust me, I would not do that to you.

You feel like there are too many thoughts inside your head, too many voices attempting to overpower the others? Write them down. Write. It’s what makes you feel alive, remember? There are a few pleasant voices too – if only you’d give them a chance. Chance is not something you believe in though, do you? Funny. Some things will not change, even though you will see the world differently.

I want to tell you about how you grow, how you bloom – did I strike a chord? The nickname will disappear, sooner than you think. Random spoilers aside, this is not about what happens to you in the future. It’s about how you should, sorry, could be a little kinder to yourself. How you could let some things go to make space for more amazing things, and who knows, smile because you feel like it? Or you know, laugh hysterically…

You are starting to feel upset… that is turning to anger. Self-righteous. Stop. Breathe. Setting the world ablaze does not make you right in the face of everything you convince yourself of. (PS: Who said we couldn’t use prepositions at the end of sentences? Rebel.)

Let’s talk about things you like. That Goth look? You love it, and I must admit, it suits you. Even now, when I look back to the girl in black, I marvel at the eyeliner. Reminiscences also make me wonder whether it was your messed-up mechanism of keeping others at bay. You are succeeding, I guess. If it’s what you really want, keep doing it. Just make sure you don’t end up feeling too lonely. You won’t like it. And let’s face it, there are times you do hide behind your own shadow in search of safety.

 

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But I digress. We were talking about things you like. You are discovering romance in Keats and I’d like to tell you it’s the best ever, but wait for it. You have no idea how many beautiful words you are yet to discover. You will keep revisiting Alice down the rabbit hole every year. And Rosencrantz & Guildenstern will become your friendly companions. Trust them, but do not trust too many people. No one wants to hear your story – then again, I’m not sure if you are ready to tell it. You will carry Enid Blyton inside of you. Do not get me started on the wizarding world.

People will tell you that you are weird. Don’t be weirded out. Weird is another kind of normalcy. You do not need external validation to feel good about yourself. The ones whom you feel do not respect you for who you are, probably do not. Let them go. They will leave eventually, so why not make it easier on yourself? When they finally do, you will feel free. Freer? That is a word, yes. In time, you will find that you have no space for those who do not matter.

Speaking of which, give yourself a little space. For an empath, you can be too strict towards yourself. You constantly talk about how you want others to give you space, but you forget to give it to yourself. Space to draw, to write about anything, to find metaphors, to play with colours, to read through the night. Space to walk in the rain whenever your heart desires. Space to listen to music, and get enthralled by the lyrics. Space to talk. Talking does feel good. Try it. Or not. You would know what to do.

Go to the beach more often. You will end up loving the sun. You already love sandcastles… Please keep that dream-like quality alive. Because what are we, if not made of dreams? You will dream of doing everything, and do not beat yourself up for that. Do not beat yourself up for anything.

Truth is, you are about to make some stupendous, momentous mistakes, and there’s a big part of me that wants to tell you that it’s okay. But what do I know? So many years later, I still cannot convince myself of that. Right now, you are on the cusp of failing – not for the first time, but it will feel like such. You will fail and start doubting yourself, and your self-doubt will drag you in a circle of insecurity until you feel you cannot walk unless someone holds your hand. I want to tell you that’s not true, but you need to overcome it by yourself. There will be other mistakes, blunders, things that you will find difficult to fathom afterwards, because that’s not you. You don’t make mistakes, right? Oh honey. But you do. The first mistake you made was believing you were infallible. Or let’s be honest, you made yourself believe that, even though you knew the truth was hidden somewhere else.

There are so many other things you will make yourself believe – yet you will question the one that actually rings true: your inner strength. You are stronger than you think. You are strong enough to cross the bridges after they’ve been burnt, to rebuild the sandcastle every time it’s awash, and to keep walking even when the destination is uncertain.

You will fail more than once and there will be times when you’d rather not get back up. But THAT… That’s not Yu! You will always find a way out, or a way into another set of troubles, but you know what? Throughout the crazy never-ending journey that feels like a rollercoaster to tough times, I will never stop trusting you. I will question you, but I will know that my little gothic girl followed her intuition, and more than anything, followed her heart. Wrong or right, I don’t know. I am too small to judge that, and I will not be bound by such social constructs. Story for another time. Today, I just want you to know that I have unflinching faith in you.

Little one, if you refuse to be kind to yourself, I, who now see the world differently, am here to do that for us. Meanwhile, keep going. But do slow down when you feel like it.